Before you ignite your flame tonight, (take a long look at yourself. Make an accounting before the Master of the Universe.) Become aware of your weaknesses: your misdeeds, your self inflicted wounds, and the wounds that you have inflicted upon others. Yes, it is painful. This pain is on account of the sorry state of the external part of your being, your body. Now, as you will ignite your flame tonight, realize the beauty of your inner spark, your soul. Promise to love yourself on account of this glory, and the chance that you will give it to set your being aflame. Now you are truly empowered to love, and pray for your beloved ones. For the flame that will set you free mirrors the flame in another. This is true love. Share the light!

please keep me in mind in the next few days Avigail bas Nechama Sara v'Avraham

SO I'm getting edgy about being induced Wednesday. urge to scream rising.
I suck at not being in control.

I haven't packed a bag for the hospital, I have no idea what the hell I'll need. ANy suggestions?

We figured out over shabbos that the baby will be born this week, the parsha is Vayeira. So my current threat to any family member who pisses me off we're naming the kid Hagar. As in Hagar the horrible, the comic viking. Not that I think it's such a 'OMG that poor kid name' but that's my general 'f off' to people this week.

Stupid question: what do I do with a yard of organic bamboo velour? I won it from Green Thumb Fabrics.

Saw my doctor today, I'm scheduled for an induction for next wednesday, which is my actual due date. Which I'm excited about because medically we intially weren't going to let the pregnancy go to term.

I'm still completely closed..shrug..whatever will be will be.

My biggest concern/fear is to be induced and not have labor progress after 12 hours. we'll get there.

Basically the specialist called my doctor last nite and told him, that it wasn't safe to let the pregnancy go past the due date.

But I knew that, as I had then received a phone call from the specialist, so that we were all on the same page. Honestly I didn't care that they spoke, if naything I was more reassured they were speaking regarding my care, then to get bent out of shape 'they were talking about me'

I LOADED AND GAVE MYSELF INSULIN WITH A SYRINGE ALL BY MYSELF!!

So yesterday, I received notification that my insurance was not renewing my car insurance because of Mike's driving record. grr. I called my insurance office yesterday and got absolutely no where with an idiot.

I called today to speak the owner of the office, who my family has been doing business with for almost 40 years.

I spoke to M, who basically was like the 'letter is clear' and I said I didn't understand because she had said well Mike is going to be dropped as well. And I said No I received a non-renewal and he received his renewal information.

SO M called the underwriter, and called me back. Apparently my policy is written as renewal for December and Mike's is written for June. SO I'm being dropped now and he will be dropped in June as the insurance is no longer willing to write our policy.

I ended the call by telling M that after being insured by her office for 10 years, this was a slap in the face. Additionally I ended the call by letting her know not only are they losing the two car policies I will be taking my homeowners else where.

I am not happy to say the least. Tommorrow I will call the person/number that is actually on the letter.

My dad warned me it's a pita becuase no one is writing homeowners on SI right now. shrug. I'll deal with it.

Maybe it's stupid but I take this 'rejection' personally. And I think that's why I'm getting so upset about it, and let's completely forget I'm 39 weeks and mildly hormonal.

DUE DATE
SO friday I saw my doctor, as I previously posted my doctor was in no hurry to induce me or to schedule a c/s. So I had told Mike basically the short version of we have another two weeks to go. And that the latest roughly my doctor would let the pregnancy go is to 41 weeks, which would be essentially November 11. Even though we all know nothing is set in stone or by an actual calendar.

Sunday I made Mike run some errands with me, ie the library, the supermarket. After got home like midafternoon I decided I was tired and told Mike I was goign to lay down on the couch. He didn't seem to understand I was going to take a nap.

Apparently as I'm sleeping the phone rings, and it's my grandmother. So Mike takes it upon himself to tell my 85 year old grandmother that my due date changed to Novemeber 11. My due date hasn't changed it's still November 4.

I then spent ten minutes based upon my LMP and when I pee tested and what not there is no freaking way that my due date could conceivable be that late. He still doesn't get it, he grasps that that November 10/11 is like eviction time, but that's about where his grasp ends.

SO now I maintain his phone privledges have been revoked.

CAR INSURANCE

SO as you may have read I had an emotional rollercoaster today with my car insurance not being renewed. And the biggest insult being that my non-renewal was contingent on Mike's driving history.

So I called him this afternoon to tell him and just touch base with him.

He actually offered to call up the insurance company for me. I intend on intially handeling it myself but I have to appreciate he actually offered to do something to make my life easier.

The insulin I need- does NOT come in pen form. I need R, I'm already taking NPH.

There is a combined R/NPH pen, however I am taking too high a dose of NPH to be able to use that combination pen. SO I have to load syringes.

I was able to get slightly smaller syringes. woo!! sarcasm

So I just spent $50+ in copays for syringes and vials of insulin.

I was doing ok with this and then I got home.

I have a letter in the mail, that has now put me over the edge.

The letter was from my insurance company- apparently my insurance is not being renewed.
My insurance is not being renewed because of my husband's driving record, speeding ticket, and claims.

The reasons given were a speeding ticket my husband was issued over two years ago.

And five claim dates: going back as far as 2005.
Included in those dates are when my car was totaled on the street in April, and when I rear-ended a car on the Belt 3 years ago.
The other three are my husband's- two of which he was actively driving/at fault for.

I have essentially a brand new car(2008), I have been with this insurance company for about 10 years, my father has been giving them business for over 30 years, and my homeowners is thru them.

To say I am pissed is to put it mildly. I already called the office I'm insured by and spoke to a fucking idiot, who pissed me off further.

I am planning on calling the owner of the office when she comes in tommorrow in the morning, and basically making this her problem, before I even speak to the 'corporate' office who sent me the non-renewal letter.

Basically if the insurance is giving me the 'fuck you' I'm taking my homeowners to another company as well.

I'm not even pissed at Mike I'm pissed that how this is being handeled. Then again my other 'threat' is to change the address back to my dad's so Mike's driving isn't a reflection on me.

I think I fail at life. Today is one of those days I don't know why I bothered getting out of bed.

According to the pharmacist, they do have the 'pen insulin' and it's in stock.

All I need is for the doctor to call tommorrow and issue a new script. As they can't fill the 'pens' under the old script.

So at least now I've started to breathe again.

crying sucks when you have strangers in the house.

I'm having windows installed and I'm sitting here crying and having a 'mild' panic attack.

My doctor is adding another kind of insulin. ok I can handle that.

According to my doctor is does not come in a pen variety, so now I have to load a syringe. i can't fucking do that.

I realize it's needle, and to other people it's not a big deal. BUt I can't do it.

I just want everyone to get the fuck out of my house so I can scream and cry and carry on. And feel my feelings.

And my dad is going 'it's not a big deal' that's not making me feel any better.

This is not what I had in mind about 'letting nature take it's course'

SO I have bruising from the insuling injection sites- apparently this is normal
I have red circles(between a quarter and a half dollar in size) that are a little lumpy also from the insulin- also apparently normal

And then this afternoon I discovered about 5 lil red lumps or bites on my left leg. I think it's too late for mosquito bites, but these are itchy like bites.

WTF???

Edit: I also have the bumps on my left forearm some of them are red and some of them are whitish.

What if anything is selling on ebay these days?

I saw my doctor today 38w 2d. About a month ago he had said if I made it to 39 weeks I would be induced.

I'm still completely closed, which I figured. I asked what the 'game plan' was.

As of today he said he's willing to let me go to 40, 41 weeks. And we'll induce at 41 weeks. WHAT????

I kinda had gotten used to the idea of having an October baby. shrug

I guess we also have the gd more or less under control which is a strange validation.

I have such a strange feeling, I'm going to wind up being induced and possibly having a c-section.
I don't think I'm going into labor without medical intervention. But I've been saying that for a few weeks.

I'm content 'being pregnant'. It's just a strange change of events, as I had been trying to organize and fit everything I need to do pre-baby in before someone appears.

I think it's also weird to go from being OMG so high risk, to really letting nature take its course.

Apparently my husband's office is quite fertile. lol

HIs boss had her second baby May 2008 and her third June 2009, and she's not even frum.

Another co-worker's s/o had a child in the spring.

Another co-worker is due I want to say March/April.

So apparently the office is baby central these days.

So apparently my husband's boss has been going through my online registeries. His boss is also in the process of buying a new house/moving. So it seems as though she realizes she's done having babies and there are things she doesn't intend on using.

MIke came home tonite and asked me if I thought it weird if she gave me her breast pump. Why is that weird? That saves me like $300 even if I have to replace the tubing and what not.

So at this point his boss is giving me/us her hospital grade breast pump and a co-sleeper. I had no intention on using a co-sleeper but hey we can give it a go.

So I'm excited...lol

It is 6:30am

Between getting up to pee every two hours, trouble getting comfortable, trouble falling asleep, trouble staying asleep and there have been helicopters overhead for at least the LAST HOUR!!!!

So I went from ooh let me lay here and maybe I'll fall back asleep. To being convinced my head is actually inside a beehive or wasps nest.

The only reason for the stupid helicopters I can think of is Obama, is in town. Oh goody. note my sarcasm. but if they are moving him even with military/security escort wtf should my sleep be disturbed.

Don't they know pissing off a woman who is 38 weeks is actually a community and safty hazard.

I spoke to my grandmother briefly yesterday erev shabbos.

Some how in the conversation she was trying to put together 'essentials' because she was willing to adventure to Babies R'us and go shopping. Mind you the store is within 5 miles from where she lives, and that's 'too much' but she wants to drive an hour each way herself to see me.

She was asking if I'm going to 'bottle feed or nurse' I told her my intention was to breastfeed. iyh my milk comes in.

Her response and I quote 'Abigail you need to get with the times, no one nurses anymore' buh?
I love my insane 85 year old grandmother- I just have to be thankful she's alive to see her first great-grandchild.

But my grandmother was quite amused by my grandfather. Apparently they were out running errands this week, and he pulled up in front of the supermarket, that has a liquor store off the entrance (I think most of the grocery stores in their county in Jersery are like this) and apparently missed the curb, or forgot their was a 3 inch curb. So my grandmother is amused that my grandfather has two 'shiner's as she put it. The man is going to be 90 in December, and she's suprised because he looks like he got his ass kicked he doesn't want to go out in public nor does he feel up to driving.

BY 8:15am, I put the heat on in the house...under protest. It is 38 degrees outside and figured I should make sure the heat is working well before shabbos.

I then went to soak my soup/stock pot, and when I pulled the spray nozzle I managed to break the seal on the spray nozzle's base, the part that attaches to the sink. So the sprayer works, it no longer will go all the way down and sit flush. grr

I'm more concerned cuz I was planning on using the sink to give the baby baths and now I'm mildly concerned that the part that was attaced to the sink will chv hit the baby during a bath. I'm also annoyed because while I know the part is relatively easy to replace it won't most likely match my nice kitchen sink fixture. sigh....

http://www.silive.com/eastshore/index.ssf/2009/10/birth_recorded_for_tv_reality.html

Apparently my doctor participated in one of those TLC 'A Baby Story' I can't seem to find a clip or the episode online. shrug

I had my appointment at the specialist. The baby is about 6 pounds 4 oz. Woot!!! My Dad's gf is like 'I guess I have to return all of the newborn stuff' lol

While I was at the doctor my dad spoke to my grandmother. The apparent concensus is she can come visit but she under no circumstances can drive here.

As I was turning onto my street. MY phone rang it was one of my agencies. The one I like. My coordinator has a case for January that's 4 hours a day(idk if it's 5 days a week but whatever). For a Hebrew speaking child. Now I was planning on going back for February, so I'm tentatively committed to the case. I think it's more amusing as the or one of the frum therapists. I was the first person that came to mind.

I was honest with my coordinator that I am not fluent in Hebrew, but I have a decent vocabulary. And I also the resources and I know to and how to ask for help. I also honestly doubt that anyone in my agency is fluent in Hebrew, the bulk of the cases that seem to come in are for the local parochial preschools, and other secular preschools.

Hey if this also means I may have a case 10 minutes from the house. I am not complaining.